Moving Day!!

I’m dusting off and breathing some life back into this blog.  When it was first launched on V-Day last year I’d hoped it could become a place where a group of single black women could openly discuss their ups and downs in relationships.  Unfortunately that only lasted a few months because logistically it just wasn’t manageable.  So like a large percentage of blogs it died a very quick death.  But now … I am back and this time I’m going at it all alone.

Here’s where I am with everything.

1-      Today is moving day, and in a few hours everything I own (including my son) will be packed in a truck and headed southbound on I-95 to Raleigh, NC.  I’m originally from NC and have previously lived in Raleigh, so for me – I’m going back home.

2-      I’m single – completely 100% unattached.  For nearly two years I’ve been back and forth, up and down, and in and out of the same relationship, which mind you at times was something I wasn’t always able to define.  So with it ending recently, though my heart is broken, I am slowly learning to see how having a resolution (regardless of how much it hurts) is better then stringing something/ someone  along.  But that’s not what this platform is about.


And in my attempt to “dive right in” I begin my campaign for love on Match.com of course.  I’m still learning how to navigate the site, but I’ll tell you – I’m already entertained. 

Do you have any ideas on the best ways to approach on-line dating?

Want to fall in love over and over again? -- Read a romance novel

Right now I really want this guy named Kyle, but unfortunately he only exists in the Kindle.

Let me explain:

Like everyone else who works inside the beltway, but can’t afford to live there -- I have a ridiculous commute.  I drive, park my car, catch a “slug”, catch a bus and then walk.  And in the afternoon I do it all over again, but in reverse.  So of course, there’s plenty that I hate about my commute – but not anymore.  Last week I found a reason to love it… romance novels!

My new favorite spot on the bus is whatever seat places me directly behind my new obsession, a very conservative middle-aged grandmother–type who likes to read dirty FILTHY novels on the afternoon ride home.

Now, I have no problem with anyone who is working toward getting her groove back.  But on the bus?

For the past week, when it’s time to “clock out” I race downstairs crossing my fingers she hadn’t caught the earlier bus.  Yes! She’s in line and I hurry to stand behind her – and again I cross my fingers hoping for an open seat with a great view of her Kindle.
    

Yes, I know it's rude to read over

someone's shoulder; that's why

I try to play it off.

And while on the 15-minute ride I do everything to pretend that I’m not reading over her shoulder.  Sometimes I hide behind my newspaper, other times I fiddle with my phone, but really I’m reading right along with her, getting a daily dish of thrilling sexual stories -- the overly descriptive sexcapades between the main character Kyle and ??? (the old lady’s hands were covering the name of Kyle’s lover.)

But OMG it was especially trashy on Friday and I LOVED IT!

"Kyle laid his hand over the very core of her femininity!"
Wow! – I looked around the bus to make sure no one was watching me, hoping they didn’t know the thoughts that were running through my head, thinking to myself “Go ahead Kyle!!!"

Kyle filled his lover (and admittedly me a little bit too) with "pure waves of pleasure" at least three times, saying “it’s alright darling just let it go - we'll soar together!"

Admission:  For years I’ve loved trashy novels, not the ones with the buff guy with long golden locks, who to me always looked like he may be on the DL.  I’ve read a few Eric Jerome Dickey books: Cheaters, Friends and Lovers, and Milk in My Coffee.

I love the sexy romance storylines, and my old-lady friend and I are not alone.

Do you read romance novels?

Well more than 60% of those surveyed in this week’s Today Show poll have read at least one romance novel and admitted to either loving them or indulging in them sometimes as with a guilty pleasure.

In 2010 while book sales of most genres continued on a slippery slope toward extinction, the Association of American Publishers reported growth in the sales of romance novels.

This brings me back to my somewhat lustful crush on this fictional leading character, Kyle.  Could it be that women, like my old-lady friend and me, are setting ourselves up to be disappointed because we’ve enjoyed the fiction that unfolds on the pages of these romance novels?

I’d love to hear your thoughts – With so many of us reading these novels if there is potential to create unrealistic expectations of love and romance?

Blending: How the Brady Bunch made it look easier than it really is.

I’m a parent and so a big part of thinking about relationships for me includes the idea of blending a family.  My son is only five, so I’m still new to trying to figure out for me how much weight this should carry when dating.  Admittedly in this post I have far more questions, as I am still trying to develop my opinion on this front.

Real life/ TV examples (Please excuse my obsession with trash TV for a bit here.)

 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle already had one daughter when she first met her now husband Mauricio.  In last season he talked about what it meant for him to date a woman with kids, and he described it BEAUTIFLLY as having the amazing opportunity to see what she’d one day be like as the mother of his kids.  They now have three children together.

And in tonight’s final episode of the bachelor Jake picked Emily, widow and mother of a 5-year old girl.

Blending 101: I spent most of last week with some family friends who I jokingly kept referring to as a modern day Brady Bunch (minus Alice.)  Both parents are now step-parents to their spouse’s children from prior relationships.  While working to build their future together they are also working hard to build relationships with their new step-children.  Though they made it look easy – I could tell that a ton of effort is placed in them just supporting each other as they embraced their new roles.

When, why and how do you introduce your kid to someone you’re dating?

My son has yet to be truly invested in a relationship with anyone I’ve dated – and so far that’s worked great for us.  Of course there’s no sure-fire fail-proof way of keeping your kid safe from falling in love with someone you soon after fall out of love with, but for me it’s more important that I’ve worked out the kinks well before introducing my third-party.  But if, and in the spirit of being hopefully I’ll say when it one day does come to the point where I want to make such introductions – how?

Really – I would love to hear how others have taken that leap from dating to “now I’d like you to meet my kids.”

Just Drew the Line in the Sand

I recently read an article in Essence magazine that briefly mentioned that users are attracted to helpers, which seemed to be one of those 'aha' moments that Oprah is always talking about. I find it typical among friends through discussions, that they (girls) were brought up to be nice to others, while boys are typically raised to be tough. So where do we as women cross the line from being nice, to allowing ourselves to be used by those 'users' out there? Wisdom comes with experience, so I still have alot to learn about myself and why I allow certain people in my life, but is it that unreasonable to expect someone to have character and values? Seriously, what happened to that thing called a conscious that allows us to be empathetic toward others? I guess I just don't understand how I feel bad if I forget a friend's birthday and others could care less if they lie, cheat and steal from the people who love them most. And fellas, I'm well aware that women can be users too. Unfortunately, it's an ugly trait that comes in the prettiest of packages.

Puzzled

I know I can be complex at times, but I'm still trying to pinpoint what makes me walk away from some men so easily. I was introduced to a guy by a family member and at first, there seemed to be potential there. I was excited about getting to know him better over time until he asked me am I his girlfriend after our first date? Needless to say, that discussion turned into an argument and feelings were hurt, but am I that slow in relationships? Immediately, a wall went up and I was ready to be done with something that barely lasted two weeks, but I tried to be mature about it and communicate my feelings clearly. I thought we were on the same page, until a few weeks later, he asked me was I ready to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but where's the courting? So it seems we're not on the same page, maybe not even in the same book. I've put some distance between us out of frustration and am now thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away! Again....

Blown Away

I finally decided that I needed to take a step back and look at myself, and look at the men I choose to date. Shaking off that "pretty boy swagg" thing was very difficult. I was very "blown away" when I first met him in person. I had friended him on FB because he is my cousin's best friend. I needed to escape the office so he invited me to lunch. I said sure, why not! So when he walked up tall, dark, and swagged out. I was like OH NO! There was instant attraction, but I stayed cool this was a friendly lunch. We hit it off during lunch, he was the perfect gentleman, VERY SMART AND HARD WORKING. I left him that day blown away. I didn't expect him! He asked me out again. We have now been on 5 dates. It's going good. I'm taking my time, not getting too caught up. Interesting to see how it turns out once FB knows and my cousin HMMMMMMMM!

Unfortunately the numbers are in favor of the slacker-males

Over pizza (me) and a salad (my coworker, Meppers) we once again spent an overextended lunch on our favorite topic: Men

Today’s topic: last Saturday’s Wall Street Journal article, Where Have The Good Men Gone?

I must say that I love the reference to the movie “Knocked Up” only because every woman, knows or has dated a man who’s a slacker.  Not necessarily someone who lays around playing an uncomfortable amount of video games or watching Cartoon Network (although I know some who do.)  But mostly I’m thinking men who lack focus and drive in life and in maintaining a relationship.  Yes the gender gap is real – and I think that maybe we, women, have helped nurture it into existence.

Most memorable thing that came out of today’s lunch: “Maybe the worst unexpected result that developed out of the women’s right movement was the emasculation of men?”

It hasn't always been like this.

Really, who is Cliff without Claire?  She completes him - ahhh!

-- I talked it over with Tonya and Sharonda –

Me: Maybe we don’t give men the opportunity to excel, especially SBW?  Were things better when roles were more traditional – should today’s man be the head of the household?

Tonya: Yes, absolutely, the man should be the head of the household.

Me: Really?

Tonya: No I don’t believe that BS.  LOL!

Sharonda:  I do believe they should.  But I also believe the right man won’t exploit that, he will treat his woman as an equal.

Tonya: Unfortunately, very few men can really take and value a woman’s opinion.

Me:  Though slacker doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy is a punk, it does conjure up a picture of a wimpier type of man, maybe someone who lacks focus and motivation especially in a relationship.

Sharonda: Having a man who caters to you and cares about you – those are good qualities.  I’m trying to change my perception on what is a man, but I really like Alpha males.  And in a certain sense I want my man to be my protector, if he’s emasculate or a wimp, I will question if he can really fulfill that role.

Tonya: There’s a huge difference between a man who takes care of his business and is able to express his feelings, and just someone who is punk.  I’ve dated men who had been punked (emasculated) in previous relationships and yeah, they usually have issues.  I want someone who’s compassionate, but not soft.

Me: It just sucks that the numbers are always in their favor – there’s more of us then them.  And some men do take that as a free pass to act irresponsibly with the belief that there is no consequence.  But there are good guys out there - how do women support men who want to be the stand-up type of guys?

Tonya: You have to let a man be a man.  You can’t be too overbearing, over confident, really not too much of anything.  Even if your man only has two pennies to rub together, you have to make him feel like he is the king, the king of your world – that’s just one more thing we have to do as females.

Sharonda: As we elevate so do the standards that we have for the men we are looking to date.  I want someone who makes an equal salary, and no it’s not about the money, but it says something about their level of motivation.  I want someone who understands my ambition.

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Hmmm ambition – isn’t that what’s resulted in the generation of slacker-males we’re dealing with today?