Moving Day!!

I’m dusting off and breathing some life back into this blog.  When it was first launched on V-Day last year I’d hoped it could become a place where a group of single black women could openly discuss their ups and downs in relationships.  Unfortunately that only lasted a few months because logistically it just wasn’t manageable.  So like a large percentage of blogs it died a very quick death.  But now … I am back and this time I’m going at it all alone.

Here’s where I am with everything.

1-      Today is moving day, and in a few hours everything I own (including my son) will be packed in a truck and headed southbound on I-95 to Raleigh, NC.  I’m originally from NC and have previously lived in Raleigh, so for me – I’m going back home.

2-      I’m single – completely 100% unattached.  For nearly two years I’ve been back and forth, up and down, and in and out of the same relationship, which mind you at times was something I wasn’t always able to define.  So with it ending recently, though my heart is broken, I am slowly learning to see how having a resolution (regardless of how much it hurts) is better then stringing something/ someone  along.  But that’s not what this platform is about.


And in my attempt to “dive right in” I begin my campaign for love on Match.com of course.  I’m still learning how to navigate the site, but I’ll tell you – I’m already entertained. 

Do you have any ideas on the best ways to approach on-line dating?

Want to fall in love over and over again? -- Read a romance novel

Right now I really want this guy named Kyle, but unfortunately he only exists in the Kindle.

Let me explain:

Like everyone else who works inside the beltway, but can’t afford to live there -- I have a ridiculous commute.  I drive, park my car, catch a “slug”, catch a bus and then walk.  And in the afternoon I do it all over again, but in reverse.  So of course, there’s plenty that I hate about my commute – but not anymore.  Last week I found a reason to love it… romance novels!

My new favorite spot on the bus is whatever seat places me directly behind my new obsession, a very conservative middle-aged grandmother–type who likes to read dirty FILTHY novels on the afternoon ride home.

Now, I have no problem with anyone who is working toward getting her groove back.  But on the bus?

For the past week, when it’s time to “clock out” I race downstairs crossing my fingers she hadn’t caught the earlier bus.  Yes! She’s in line and I hurry to stand behind her – and again I cross my fingers hoping for an open seat with a great view of her Kindle.
    

Yes, I know it's rude to read over

someone's shoulder; that's why

I try to play it off.

And while on the 15-minute ride I do everything to pretend that I’m not reading over her shoulder.  Sometimes I hide behind my newspaper, other times I fiddle with my phone, but really I’m reading right along with her, getting a daily dish of thrilling sexual stories -- the overly descriptive sexcapades between the main character Kyle and ??? (the old lady’s hands were covering the name of Kyle’s lover.)

But OMG it was especially trashy on Friday and I LOVED IT!

"Kyle laid his hand over the very core of her femininity!"
Wow! – I looked around the bus to make sure no one was watching me, hoping they didn’t know the thoughts that were running through my head, thinking to myself “Go ahead Kyle!!!"

Kyle filled his lover (and admittedly me a little bit too) with "pure waves of pleasure" at least three times, saying “it’s alright darling just let it go - we'll soar together!"

Admission:  For years I’ve loved trashy novels, not the ones with the buff guy with long golden locks, who to me always looked like he may be on the DL.  I’ve read a few Eric Jerome Dickey books: Cheaters, Friends and Lovers, and Milk in My Coffee.

I love the sexy romance storylines, and my old-lady friend and I are not alone.

Do you read romance novels?

Well more than 60% of those surveyed in this week’s Today Show poll have read at least one romance novel and admitted to either loving them or indulging in them sometimes as with a guilty pleasure.

In 2010 while book sales of most genres continued on a slippery slope toward extinction, the Association of American Publishers reported growth in the sales of romance novels.

This brings me back to my somewhat lustful crush on this fictional leading character, Kyle.  Could it be that women, like my old-lady friend and me, are setting ourselves up to be disappointed because we’ve enjoyed the fiction that unfolds on the pages of these romance novels?

I’d love to hear your thoughts – With so many of us reading these novels if there is potential to create unrealistic expectations of love and romance?

Puzzled

I know I can be complex at times, but I'm still trying to pinpoint what makes me walk away from some men so easily. I was introduced to a guy by a family member and at first, there seemed to be potential there. I was excited about getting to know him better over time until he asked me am I his girlfriend after our first date? Needless to say, that discussion turned into an argument and feelings were hurt, but am I that slow in relationships? Immediately, a wall went up and I was ready to be done with something that barely lasted two weeks, but I tried to be mature about it and communicate my feelings clearly. I thought we were on the same page, until a few weeks later, he asked me was I ready to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but where's the courting? So it seems we're not on the same page, maybe not even in the same book. I've put some distance between us out of frustration and am now thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away! Again....

Unfortunately the numbers are in favor of the slacker-males

Over pizza (me) and a salad (my coworker, Meppers) we once again spent an overextended lunch on our favorite topic: Men

Today’s topic: last Saturday’s Wall Street Journal article, Where Have The Good Men Gone?

I must say that I love the reference to the movie “Knocked Up” only because every woman, knows or has dated a man who’s a slacker.  Not necessarily someone who lays around playing an uncomfortable amount of video games or watching Cartoon Network (although I know some who do.)  But mostly I’m thinking men who lack focus and drive in life and in maintaining a relationship.  Yes the gender gap is real – and I think that maybe we, women, have helped nurture it into existence.

Most memorable thing that came out of today’s lunch: “Maybe the worst unexpected result that developed out of the women’s right movement was the emasculation of men?”

It hasn't always been like this.

Really, who is Cliff without Claire?  She completes him - ahhh!

-- I talked it over with Tonya and Sharonda –

Me: Maybe we don’t give men the opportunity to excel, especially SBW?  Were things better when roles were more traditional – should today’s man be the head of the household?

Tonya: Yes, absolutely, the man should be the head of the household.

Me: Really?

Tonya: No I don’t believe that BS.  LOL!

Sharonda:  I do believe they should.  But I also believe the right man won’t exploit that, he will treat his woman as an equal.

Tonya: Unfortunately, very few men can really take and value a woman’s opinion.

Me:  Though slacker doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy is a punk, it does conjure up a picture of a wimpier type of man, maybe someone who lacks focus and motivation especially in a relationship.

Sharonda: Having a man who caters to you and cares about you – those are good qualities.  I’m trying to change my perception on what is a man, but I really like Alpha males.  And in a certain sense I want my man to be my protector, if he’s emasculate or a wimp, I will question if he can really fulfill that role.

Tonya: There’s a huge difference between a man who takes care of his business and is able to express his feelings, and just someone who is punk.  I’ve dated men who had been punked (emasculated) in previous relationships and yeah, they usually have issues.  I want someone who’s compassionate, but not soft.

Me: It just sucks that the numbers are always in their favor – there’s more of us then them.  And some men do take that as a free pass to act irresponsibly with the belief that there is no consequence.  But there are good guys out there - how do women support men who want to be the stand-up type of guys?

Tonya: You have to let a man be a man.  You can’t be too overbearing, over confident, really not too much of anything.  Even if your man only has two pennies to rub together, you have to make him feel like he is the king, the king of your world – that’s just one more thing we have to do as females.

Sharonda: As we elevate so do the standards that we have for the men we are looking to date.  I want someone who makes an equal salary, and no it’s not about the money, but it says something about their level of motivation.  I want someone who understands my ambition.

------

Hmmm ambition – isn’t that what’s resulted in the generation of slacker-males we’re dealing with today?

Online Dating

I still wonder if this is for me or not. I wasn’t really open to the idea when I decided to meet him for lunch that day. We chatted a few times and he seemed nice enough. So today I said “Sure, why not!” With having only 30 min for lunch of course our options were limited. So we agreed on going to McDonalds. An official date of course this wouldn’t be acceptable but just to see each other in person for 30 min, not to bad. I got there earlier than he did, so I waited, watching the door for this brown-skinned bald headed guy. There were many nice looking gentlemen that came in that day, then a guy who resembled “Steve Urkel” walks in. He didn’t look like the guy in the picture at all so I didn’t expect him to walk up to me and introduce himself. He said how I look exactly the same in the picture and I’m thinking YOU LIAR!!! He had an uncombed bush, glasses so thick he could see the man on the moon. His picture was 10 years old. Seriously!! He begins telling me what kind of woman he needs and doesn’t like. I told him in turn I require HONESTY!! I’m not shallow, but if you present yourself as one way and show up as something different you just aren’t a person I want to get to know, what else are you hiding?